Monday, June 21, 2010

Midwestern Blogs of the Americas

We've gone high tech! Video blog number one!

Since the recording we played a raging show in Denver where I was forced to guzzle a bottle of Smirnoff Ice while on one knee by PBC's tour manager, Tracker. It was disgusting.

Today, we find ourselves in Salt Lake City, Utah at some rad shanty style venue. Lots of Lemuria love here! We're all very excited for our day off tomorrow in Vegas, however, since we'll be staying at this crazy place with Moving Mountains and Living With Lions. Thank god for priceline. Our plans for the day off are as follows-

Max: Play one hand of Texas Hold 'Em, lose my $5, and spend the remainder of the day poolside and steaming in the sauna.
Sheena: Take a tour of all of the various buffets Vegas has to offer, show off the food baby pool side with Me.
Alex: Blackjack, Craps, high rolling, betting the odds. However, Alex is no stranger to being pulled in the back room and being told "You can either have the money and the hammer or you can walk out of here."
John: Getting his hand smashed with a hammer just before Alex enters.
Kyle: Massaging Me by the pool using poutine as massage oil. Also partying hard with our tour mates.


I have this drum head/set list-

Here's the deal; the first person to show up to one of our shows with delicious vegan snacks that we can all enjoy together will receive this as a prize. Fruit, cookies, clif bars, whatever you want! I'll even give you some pins, and put your picture up on the blog (oooohhhh!)! I'm hungry. Can you tell?

Okay, take care.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Bug in the face, Iowa.

On our way to Omaha, NE for what should be another exciting night of this leg of tour. Sheena is serving as our captain for the day, and I her first mate.

We're presently sailing down the I-29 south. What was seeming to be the most boring of our travels, took an exciting turn for the better. As we were bouncing along the concrete sea with the windows down and Lucinda Williams blaring, i was struck in the face by a curious creature. I realized it was buzzing it's last buzz's in my lap. So we gave him a proper burial wrapped in one of our day sheets torn corners. It's a hard life out there.

We stopped for gas soon after where I washed my face and got an ice cold root beer. Sheena and I decided that the van smelled horrible and we could use a new air freshener. The end result was us rationalizing what hunk best suited our rear view mirror. Now, I feel the honor of introducing to you Jennifer:

The next picture I bring to you, I can't decide if it's funnier in or out of context. This morning when I woke up, my phone had a message from our wonderful friend Max saying he is swimming. I went downstairs to find him next to a hot tub doing yoga. This is his steamy face:

See y'all soon!


Friday, June 18, 2010

Turtle Town

Last night we played The Beat Kitchen. The show was great, and so was the food. Earlier in the afternoon we also met some great people at the Chicago Diner, which is where we always eat when we are in the Chicago area. We played the Beat Kitchen for the first time 4 years ago with Rainer Maria and Kind of Like Spitting. I remember that night being a rough night for the band, and it was also the night that I wrote the song Who Would Understand a Turtle on our way to Dekalb, IL. I was riding in a separate vehicle with my friend Mike Dutkewych, a man who looks uncannily similar to Abraham Lincoln. He's also a hard hitter for the USA beard team. I wrote that song in the back of his car, and while stuck in slow moving traffic I exited the vehicle to run up to our Dodge grand caravan to show the others in the band. It served as an apology. I almost didn't make it, because when traffic is moving slow, it's usually going a little faster than you think you can run!

Now we are headed to Minneapolis to play The Triple Rock, another one of our favorite venues with great food. We took a pitstop in Madison to hang out with our friend Justin Jardine who we've known since he was in middle school, one of the first people to ever care about our band! He's become a great friend, and he is always surprising us by showing up on our tours in the most random (international) locations!

Once again, we are in a traffic jam. Sheena just jumped out of the van and closed an old couples trunk that was accidentally left open. They seemed confused.

I also got a haircut. Oops!

- Alex Kerns

Monday, June 14, 2010


Since our air conditioner is broken, we've decided that we're better off making our drives over night to keep cool. Which makes for a great opportunity to get on the computer and blog my heart out.

Today we woke up somewhere in Maryland and continued our drive to Youngstown, OH. We were going to get into town a little bit early. We figured since Fathers Day was coming up, my brothers birthday was the other day and Sheena's mom's birthday is next week, that we should go to the mall. We searched it out on the internet and got an address to go to. When we got there, it ended up being a boarded up mall that had an abandoned Goodwill Thrift Store, a Sports Exchange Store, and a Beauty Supply Outlet.

After that we headed to the show where we met up with Jacob, who is one nice dude. We were greeted with some helpful hands and I got out of carrying lots of heavy stuff, but I ate my fare share of chips and pops to make up for it. The show was great, and in a really cool Theatre space. There was lots of props around, including a Mr. Peanut suit, and a Trench Coat. We took full advantage of the set up and had a small photo shoot.

We're now driving to The Monster House in Columbus, OH. Hopefully we'll get to hang out with our good friends in Delay and see the rest of the gang. We also acquired someone to invade our personal space, Jon Washington. He rules.

Tomorrow we meet back up with Polar Bear Club for what should be a wild show.


P.S. When we are back from tour. This is the man who is going to fix our AC. He is the best, and he is Sheena's pops and the inspiration to our hit song "Ozzy".

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Overnight Drive to Youngstown, OH

In attempt to dodge a lot of traffic and sweating, we are driving through the night to get to Youngstown, OH for the show. We are really looking forward to it. We have never played there before! It's a day off from the PBC, Moving Mountains, and LWL tour. I was shown the game "Words With Friends" on my iPhone, thanks to Rachel Lofgren I'll be hooked on that! I talked a little with our buds from The Riot Before about recording with J. Robbins because they recently recorded with him...getting very excited. I've been writing a lot of lyrics in the van. Ah hell, right now we're in the van on EMPTY and we can't find an open gas station. This fall we want to make some music videos for the songs we record this summer! Any ideas on good people to work with who know how to make good music videos?
- Alex Kerns

On to Richmond, VA

I woke up this morning sweating in the back of the van, proving a poor judgment call on my part last night. I figure it was a cool enough evening and I wouldn't overheat if i slept on the bench seat, but my reasoning was somewhat impaired due to late night snacks at Paper Moon with Mike and Julie, and the resulting food coma. I moved out of Gary and on to their back yard at about 7am, where I found a nice shaded spot under a tree and snoozed a few more hours. Julie discovered me, looking like a bum sleeping in her yard (sorry about that...) and invited me inside where I showered and got ready for the day. This is what I saw when I woke up -

Last night was a great show. The bands all ruled, I saw an old friend, made some new ones, and Lemuria played great. I got to write the set list last night, so it was an extra special set for me to watch!

Other than that, Bobby (PBC's merch pro) put his captains hat on my head, and I accidentally went out to dinner wearing it. A dozen genuinely dirty looks later, I realized i had it on, and found out that, apparently, I can't pull off the nautical punk look. I wonder what it was that bummed everyone out - is it just pretentious to wear a captain's hat when you're not a captain? Like "Oh, look at me, I'm a higher rank than you...". Insert first mate and poop deck joke here. Perhaps it's just the style of hat, just not right for my over sized head. Either way, the folks in Baltimore got visibly upset with my choice of hat, so way to go MD on keeping the fashion police on call.

Okay, we're headed to Richmond now. We are all growing envious of the cars we pass by with rolled up windows, their passengers looking comfortably air conditioned. I had no choice but to wear my swim trunks today, next river we pass by I'm jumping in. If anyone wants to go swimming tonight let me know. See you at The Camel!


Saturday, June 12, 2010


Currently heading to Baltimore, MD for a wedding celebration show for our friend Mike Riley and his fiance. Tonight we play with Polar Bear Club, Cloak/Dagger, and our friends Dead Mechanical. Last nights show in Providence ruled. Thanks to all of our Boston friends for making the trip out. Somehow we convinced the lady that rides around in a purple mini school bus to make a pitstop outside of the venue and she sold us some of her awesome vegan soft serve.

We left Providence last night and head to Brick, NJ so that we could all sneak a hello to Melissa and her son, Alek, and eat at a rad joint called Sentosa.

Max and Alek, our handsome little dude.

Baltimore, see you in a few hours.

<3 sheena

Friday, June 11, 2010

On our way to Providence, RI

The Syracuse show at Lost Horizon was great last night. Meeting everybody from all the bands and their roadies was nice, although I don't think I even met everybody because there is a couple dozen. I will soon though! We stayed with our good bud Joe Steinhart from the great label Don Giovanni, thanks again to him for being such a good host...and like usual, showing me tons of great bands every time I see him! It's always great talking music with somebody with such an eclectic music pallet. Also, thank you to Dan Cafferty who brought us delicious cookies last night, and also for bringing us a porcelain cat...that was very thoughtful.
Right now we are listening to Fleetwood Mac, driving toward Providence. I think Lindsey Buckingham is my favorite guitarist in the world.
Just stopped and picked up some road stand fruit. Ok, hope to see you all soon!
-Alex Kerns

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Syracuse, NY

Hello fellow Bloggers,
We're currently on our way to Syracuse, NY for day one of our cross nation tour with Bridge 9 recording artists Polar Bear Club. We had the day off yesterday and instead of going to Syracuse early, or staying and enjoying beautiful Burlington, VT, we decided to head back to everyones favorite All America City; Buffalo, NY. We slept for the very first time at Alex's new house (pretty swanky). This morning we thought we should go to the best restaurant in the world and share a lovely breakfast with Eric Bifaro from the infamous I Object!, and dear friend and life long partner to Sheena, Chelsea Merlo who plays in Buffalo's best band: Coworkers.

Us at Amy's place. Eating 'The Biff' sandwich at the table with Biff is like listening to 'The Queen is Dead' in Morrissey's living room.

Us with Chelsea of Coworkers.

If anyone is feeling like getting jazzed up on vegan milkshakes with us, you should all head over to Strong Hearts after the show tonight! Hopefully we'll see a few of y'all there.

Love Always and Forever,
Kyle William Paton

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

From Big Fat Kerns, with love...

Our van is our home again. Max is taking care of us too! He's from all Burlington, Pittsburgh, and Austin. We have been on tour for the past 3 weeks and we still have another 5 to go. Immediately after the tour we will be recording our sophomore album for Bridge 9 Records with J. Robbins...who is one of our favorite musicians and producers. Gary Gas Hands, our van, is doing ok, but decided that we don't deserve cool air anymore. So many good times with Gary, but Gary doesn't have good timing. Tomorrow we begin our tour with Polar Bear Club, Moving Mountains, and Living With Lions. Very nice, very nice. Also, we lost our NH virginity to Dover the other night...why were we holding out so long. Gotta go back soon. Bagoo!
-Alex Kerns

Frownie faces at Stone Soup in Burlington, VT.

Kyle and his new friend, Willow.